Night two of âX Factor: The Reboot.â
The judges are still in San Francisco, looking for their $5 million winner.
Is it 16 year-old student Johnny Maxwell â" he of the Only Slightly Scary/Quietly Insistent Stage Mom?
Years of watching singing competition series has taught us that, if the kidâs a dead-ender, producers edit Mom to make sure sheâs seen with bad lighting, bad dialogue, and throw in some menacing background music.
So, itâs looking good for Johnny.
âI knew since he was just a little baby boy this is what he was born to do,â Only Slightly Scary/ Quietly Insistent Stage Mom tells the X-camera.
Johnny is going to perform an original tune he wrote that he says is âbasically about doing it big and not letting what anybody says thatâs negative get in the way of your dream.â
Pretty complex, but Simon lets it go, telling him only to Take the Moment.
Johnnyâs mediocre, but gets the crowd singing along with his catchy âdo it big in front of all these peopleâ gag.
The X-judges profess to be smitten. Two âcutes,â from new judges Britney Spears and Demi Lovato, one âamazingly accomplishedâ from LA Reid, and one âsteel in your eyesâ from Simon Cowell later, Johnnyâs on to the next round.
Roll pre-audition tape of Lexa Berman, a 22-year-old sexpot in a catsuit from Florida. âI love showing what I have,â she tells the X-camera.
âYou donât have what it takes â" itâs a tough, cut-throat world,â she says, trying to intimidate another female contestant as each waits for her turn on stage.
But, as we learned on Night 1 of this season, Demi-Enabled âX Factorâ is a No Bully Zone.
âI love being under the lights,â Lexa continues, unaware of her doom.
âThere is no plan B,â she says, then thinks better of it and changes that to, âor Iâll have to go marry rich into someoneâs family.â And, why shouldnât she take advantage of national airtime to get the word out?
On stage, Lexa lays the sexy banter on thick. Demi tells Lexa that Simon is single, but Simon, who apparently can dish it out but not take it, is too embarrassed to speak. Lexa fills the void by suggesting to Simon that perhaps âyou canât handle me.â
âYouâre âJersey Shoreâ meets the Kardashians,â Simon says, recovering his manhood. âI like that combination.â
After just a few bars of Alex Clareâs âToo Closeâ -- sheâs not awful, but not good â" Lexaâs stopped quickly and Demi gets to deliver the news:
âThe problem is that you came off as really over confident,â Demi huffs.
Simon isnât going up against that, though we sense his regret. âYouâre not the best singer in the world but I like your attitude. The problem is most people wonât like you,â he says.
And, as Lexa stomps off stage, Simon contemplates her backside. âThereâs a lot of junk in that trunk,â he tells Demi.
Lexaâs followed by a montage of attractive wannabe X-testants without singing chops.
âWhy is it that all the good looking people canât sing?â LA Reid wonders out loud â" another say of reminding everyone he discovered Rihanna.
And, this brings us to Jason Brock. If Adam Lambert were pear-shaped, giggly and exuberant, he would be Jason Brock, the 34-year-old tech support phone operator from San Francisco.
LA and Simon both look pained as Jason walks out on stage. Because, being the star-makers they are, they know every successful star in showbiz is as somber and stiff as a banker.
Anyway, Jason is taking no cues from these guys, and launches into a lengthy description of his ideal stage show. It starts with him entering alone under a spotlight, after which dancers descend from above, and then the stage elevates him â" and glitter. Heâs clearly thought about this a lot. Jasonâs having a great time and itâ a rare, genuinely fun moment for a singing competition show. Producers better not be setting us up.
Theyâre not â" he performs Billy Joelâs âNew York State of Mindâ with confidence, and gets a standing O from the judges.
âYou were talking about this ridiculous concert which was never going to happenâ¦and, you know what, we were at your concert,â Simon says in his first human moment of the new season.
âFlawlessâ¦Every song writer wants a guy like you,â gushes LA.
See you at the next round, Jason.
Patrick Ford is a 20-year-old ferret-faced cashier from New Hampshire. Heâs come to stalk Britney.
So of course, the producers are sending him through to audition, in keeping with this seasonâs rapidly emerging story arc: How many creepy people can they throw at Britbrit before she breaks? On Night 1, it was some former duet partner who had slipped into has-been-dom.
Patrick prattles on in the holding area to other hopefuls about how people donât admire and respect Britney like he does, adding, âI think she might be my sister.â Heâs brought a large floral arrangement in a vase to present to her.
âThis is a dream come true to even be so close to you,â Patrick says, while Britney strikes various cringing attitudes. In less than two episodes, weâve learned Brit is able to express a whole range of emotions in the various ways she lets her mouth hang open.
Of course, heâs beyond terrible, singing Britneyâs âCircusâ.
All the judges say ânoâ to Patrick.
âThatâs all you got for me, Britney, just a ânoâ?â Patrick says while tension builds as everyone mulls whether Patrickâs going to fling himself at the judgesâ table. The slasher-movie-score music playing the background helps set the mood.
Patrick says he wants to give Brit the floral arrangement, which he had placed on stage. More tension.
Finally, Simon gets up to accept the flowers for her. Because, as with the previous night, the script calls for Simon to be ever the gentleman after throwing Britney in the way of clinging emotional cripples.
Backstage, a big cake is wheeled into the presence of the judges as a thankyou from the city of Providence, RI, to which the auditions have moved while we were distracted.
Simon scoops off a bit of icing and tries to shove it into Demiâs mouth, but sheâs too fast for him.
Carly Rose Sonnenclar, a cute 13-year-old, is backstage with her doting parents. Her momâs an artist; her dadâs a writer. She says she wants to be a superstar, but, from her, it comes across as girlish fantasy, not âoverconfidenceâ.
On to the stage goes Carly Rose, and tells the judges sheâs going to sing Nina Simoneâs âFeeling Goodâ.
Simonâs eyebrows go up. âDid you rehearse?â wonders LA, not believing this child is capable of scaling that mountain of a jazz standard.
Turns out Carly is another one of those cosmic jokes the singing gods like to play on the rest of tuneless humanity. Her performance is sure, and mature.
âMiss Thang, you are a little diva!â raves Britney.
LA: âYou may be 13 but your soul is old!â
Simon jokes that somebody is behind the screen singing that song,â adding âA star has just walked out on that stage. â
âIâm obsessed,â adds Demi.
As a longtime student of singing competition shows, we know, sadly, those who audition with jazz standards have a .00037 percent chance of winning. But, for tonight, weâll allow the producers to leave us with the warm and fuzzy feeling this kid could go the distance.
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